his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
