It's like God shit irony all over that family
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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