I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
