We won't sleep together?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
