Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He passed out mid-signature
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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