I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
