you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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