I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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