I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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