Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I look excited, but its just a facade.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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