He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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