Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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