I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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