im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
not ubering you a puppy
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
