You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
