my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
