my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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