why didn't you poke me back
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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