Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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