just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
