Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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