you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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