It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
