how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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