i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
