That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
And then he peed in my hair
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