tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
