Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
