i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
