living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
