do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
