She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
