I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize