I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
