So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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