Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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