walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I think my fart just growled at me.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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