Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
