That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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