I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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