i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
