I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
