Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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