I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
