im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Randomize
