My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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