Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
