The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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