I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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