im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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