He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
